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Luke’s Journal July 2026  |  Vol.31  No.2  |  Sexuality

Whether it is compulsive masturbation as stress relief, using pornography every time boredom sets in, turning to erotic romance novels when relational conflict is overwhelming, or performing the ritual of driving past the brothel knowing that it is only a matter of time until temptation overcomes – all these behaviours become problematic when values-driven living is discarded in order to evade reality.

Christians are particularly affected by this, as the moral incongruence of engaging in a behaviour that goes against their values wreaks havoc on their well-being.¹

How do we help people move away from this way of operating and into recovery, so they can reclaim what the problematic sexual behaviour has taken from them?

There are many answers to this question, but I strongly believe that one of the essential components is genuine connection. Connection in and of itself, and as a facilitator of many of the other elements of recovery.

Driven by shame and isolation

As you scan mainstream media, or if you were to sit in most churches across the country, it becomes obvious that helpful, informed conversations around problematic sexual behaviours, particularly when compulsion or addiction is concerned, are largely missing.

What is the likely outcome for someone who is struggling with behaviours that are not being spoken about?

I see two common responses:

1. “There is something uniquely broken about me because I must be the only one who struggles with this.”
2. “Even if I know others struggle with this, no one is talking about it, and so you must have to work it out on your own.“

Both drive people into shame-fuelled isolation. Shame dominates, either because of the struggle itself or because they keep trying harder to get rid of the behaviours and keep failing.

Compounding this isolation is the way that many of these problematic sexual behaviours stagnate and impede the individual’s capacity to form authentic relationships.

When relational intimacy is narrowed to sexual satisfaction, behaviours like pornography train the individual to objectify others for this end.² Sexual behaviour no longer exists within an integrated, intimate bond between two people. And so, this sexualised attitude towards others makes it more difficult to form authentic relationships that involve emotional, intellectual, spiritual and healthy physical bonds.

Made in the image of a relational, triune God

From a biblical perspective, it should come as no surprise that authentic community is critical to recovery from problematic sexual behaviour. The triune Godhead has forever existed in community, and so when humanity is made in the image of this God (Gen 1:26), then one significant part of this must be that we are made to live in relational community too – community where we are fully known, loved and valued.

We are created to have connection with God and with His people. So, anything that drives us into isolation also drives us away from what it means to be made in the image of God, the imago Dei.

But God has also called us into unique connection with one another, in a way that represents His connection with us.

Marriage has been ordained between man and wife to bring a ‘one flesh’ sexual union, acting as an icon that points us towards Christ and His people, the church (Eph 5:31-32). As one body, the church, we are united with Christ. This is what sexual behaviour is meant to point us towards!

“Consequently, the misuse of our sexuality will inevitably drive us away from genuine relationships with one another too.”

Consequently, the misuse of our sexuality will inevitably drive us away from genuine relationships with one another too. And we see throughout Scripture how we are to live out what it means to be relationally connected as people made in the image of God, as we grow and mature as the bride of Christ.

“So, flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” (2 Timothy 2:22 ESV)

Fleeing the passions of the flesh and pursuing what is good happens alongside others who are on the same journey!

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed…” (James 5:16 ESV)

Open, honest living with others who will build you up in prayer is the environment where healing occurs!

“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5 ESV)

The purposes of our hearts are drawn out in relationship. And how are these deep waters drawn out unless there is vulnerability and trust with one another!

When Carnes’ research of a thousand recovering sex addicts was conducted in 1998, the two most significant factors that participants said were helpful in their recovery were a connection with a higher power and involvement in a 12-step group³ – in other words, a relationship with God and others.

Promoting Connection

When Carnes went on to write his sex addiction recovery workbook, ‘Facing the Shadow’, the opening sentences of chapter one were, “Addiction is an illness of escape. Its goal is to obliterate, medicate, or ignore reality. It is an alternative to letting oneself feel hurt, betrayal, worry, and – most painful of all – loneliness.”⁴

Loneliness. So often, problematic sexual behaviour is an attempt to feel connection, validation, acceptance, and worthiness. But it is temporary and fleeting and only ends up in the destruction of the very things the individual was seeking in the first place.

“Loneliness. So often, problematic sexual behaviour is an attempt to feel connection, validation, acceptance, and worthiness.”

Sometimes, the first attempt at connection, of bringing behaviour into the light and stepping out of the shame, occurs when an individual musters the courage to speak with someone they think can help them. More often than not, however, it first comes to light through unwanted discovery of the problematic behaviour. But who do they then turn to? It could be a trusted friend or mentor, a pastoral staff member at church, or a health professional.

How will their first attempt at bringing this into the open go? Will their fears be justified as they are condemned and shamed about their behaviour? Or will they be met with non-judgmental acceptance, letting shame loosen its grip on them? You might be the one that they disclose to; how will you respond?

Here are some practical things to think about when problematic sexual behaviour comes to light:

• Be a safe person to whom they can confide without being dismissive or reacting emotionally.
  • Be particularly wary of spiritual bypass, that is, telling them to “just pray more” or “read their bible more” or insert some other spiritual practice or nicety, instead of acknowledging and processing the difficulty of the issues at hand.
• Acknowledge their courage in being vulnerable and choosing to live in reality.
• Help them explore their next steps:
• Connect individually with a therapist who specialises in problematic sexual behaviour
• Seek group connection
  • Group therapy
  • Support Groups, 12-step groups, Faith-based groups
  • Direct them to recovery resources
• Be partner-sensitive. If they have a spouse, inquire as to the support their spouse is receiving and that there are options for working through betrayal trauma.
• If appropriate, be someone they can check back in with.

At the very least, we can be one piece of the conduit that helps bring authentic connection into the life of this individual.

Summary

One of the key drivers of ongoing, problematic sexual behaviours is isolation, often driven by shame. Yet we were made in the image of a triune God, and so it is no surprise that we were made to thrive in community, with God and with others.

To find recovery from these behaviours, we need authentic relationships. There are ways we can respond to foster this connection and to direct individuals to spaces where this can be nurtured.

Editorial Q&A

Sparked by the article, further questions were put to the author.

Linden noted the reality that each response needs an understanding of the context of who is asking in order to best give advice. For that reason, speaking with a professional experienced in this space is often most helpful.

However, here are some general responses.

Q: What do you recommend for the person who has a masturbation problem that their spouse doesn’t know about? How does he/she broach the subject?

A: The first step is for the person with the problematic sexual behaviour to seek help. They want to come to their spouse not just with a problem but with an intended pathway for overcoming the problem.

Also, broaching the subject is always going to go better when it comes through disclosure rather than discovery. In terms of how to do disclosure with their spouse, there is helpful advice around this.

For example, Dan Drake is an expert here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL5mfTfK7fs eg. don’t blame – it’s not helpful to say, “because you were sexually unavailable during your pregnancy, I masturbated twice a week.”

Q: What about a young person struggling with sexual temptation/ addiction – should they disclose this to a friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, parent, peer?

A: It is good to disclose to someone, but not just anyone. Who and how they disclose will depend on the age of the person and the level of the behaviours that the young person is engaging in.

They need someone who they feel safe with, can support them – someone who is willing to help them get help or can be equipped to help them. Hopefully, this will be the parents for a young person.

Q: What steps can a person take to avoid the temptation traps/triggers?

A: This is a very broad question and could be answered in a thousand different ways, because there are a thousand different traps and triggers, ranging from explicitly sexual to environmental to emotional.

This needs to be addressed from a holistic perspective. Just accountability, or just locking down your devices, or just spiritual disciplines, are not going to be the solution. This two-part podcast run with a local church runs through six roots of addiction and practical ways to address them: https://outgrowministries.org/blog/part-1-quit-prn-for-good-podcast
https://outgrowministries.org/blog/part-2-quit-prn-for-good-podcast

Q: Does the buddy system work where full browsing history rights, phone sharing, and one-on-one accountability are expected?

A: The podcast previously mentioned addresses this, but basically, yes, this is likely to be a helpful part of someone’s recovery.

It shouldn’t be your spouse, though – yes, let them have full access and transparency – but the person you are hurting through your behaviour should not be your accountability partner.

Also, in an accountability relationship, you want it to be more than just being held accountable for your problematic behaviour. You also want to be kept accountable for the good that is before you – your positive, healthy replacement behaviours. This will help the focus be on repentance and restoration, not guilt and shame.

Q: What organisations are you (Linden) part of that can support others in their pursuit of sexual integrity?

A: I founded Outgrow Ministries (outgrowministries.org) to help Christian believers find freedom from the entanglement of pornography and other problematic sexual behaviours.

The main focus of Outgrow is to support Christian organisations by raising awareness, equipping people and providing places to walk together in finding freedom from unwanted sexual behaviours. The desire is to support safe spaces where deep discipleship can occur to help the pursuit of sexual integrity by outgrowing these unwanted behaviours.

Hav-a-chat Counselling Services (hav-a-chatspecialservices.com.au) is for individuals and couples finding recovery from sex/porn addiction and/or betrayal trauma, regardless of faith background.

They specialise in treating sex addiction and betrayal trauma, involving individual, group and couples therapy, including full therapeutic disclosures.

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1. Hewitt R. The Elephant in the Room: The Intersection of Religion and Pornography Among Young Christian Men [Internet]. Pillars at Taylor University. 2024. Available from: https://pillars.taylor.edu/acsd_growth/vol23/iss23/2
2. Willis M, Bridges AJ, Sun C. Pornography Use, Gender, and Sexual Objectification: A Multinational study. Sexuality & Culture. 2022 Jan 29;26(4). Available from: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12119-022-09943-z
3. Carnes P. Task-Centered Competency-Based Approach to Treatment. CNS Spectrums. 1998;5(10):12-6.
4. Carnes P. Facing the shadow : Starting sexual and relationship recovery : A gentle path to beginning recovery from sex addiction. 3rd ed. United States: Gentle Path Press; 2015.