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From Luke’s Journal Nov 2024 | Vol.29 No.3 | Mental Health II

Recently, my wife, Hayley, had been in conversation with others from church where she feared she had been misunderstood. I was a bit surprised at how quickly I got angry in response. Not angry at my wife. It was more the thought of, “Why does everything have to be so hard?!”

This experience got me thinking about how often my anger is connected to my desire for ease and comfort.

Anger is often bad

Anger is often bad. Bad anger can be overt and explicit: a raised voice, clenched fists, physical intimidation and violence. Perhaps you’ve recently observed this in an incident of road rage, or harsh, damaging words you witnessed from a parent to a child, or the explosion of a customer at a store. Bad anger is driven by a desire to punish and attack what is considered wrong.

But bad anger can have subtle, less overt forms:

• being passive-aggressive (“I’m angry at you, but I’m not going to address it directly”),
• grumbling (“I’m not getting what I want in life”),
• having a victim lens (“I’m always being mistreated!”),
• being sensitive to the failures of others,
• or being highly critical or irritable.

We can map anger in relation to whether it is hot or cold. Hot anger is the explosive side of anger. It’s like ‘scorched earth’ around the angry person. As a result they may feel isolated, alone, or unfairly judged while everyone else keeps a safe distance away.¹ Cold anger can be expressed as stonewalling, the ‘silent treatment’, withdrawing to punish (“You don’t affect me!”). It can also express itself in calculated revenge.²

Anger is sometimes good

But anger is sometimes good. Consider our reactions to injustice: “How could she use you like that?!”, “How could he just stand by and let that happen to you!”, “I’ve got to pursue justice. What happened was so wrong!” An advocate who stands up for someone wronged can express constructive anger – an anger that brings comfort to the victim and springs from love.

Our anger is usually a mix

Our anger is usually a mix of good and bad. Think back to the example I shared about the conversation with my wife. Allow me to share some further details. Hayley was having constructive conversations about music at church. There was some good in my reaction – it included, “This matters!” – concerns bigger than my preference were at play. The songs we sing have a significant shaping influence on us. Hayley has done some excellent thinking about the place of lament, songs reflecting various concerns shaped by Scripture. So there was some good in my strong reaction, “This is something worth fighting for!”

But there was also bad in my anger: impatience (“It’s not happening on my timeframe!”), a desire for my life to be easy (not messy and complicated) and a failure to acknowledge our good God, who wants to work good in us through the process of having these conversations.

In many instances, we find this mix of good and bad in our anger. But the Lord’s command for us is:

 “Be angry and do not sin.” Ephesians 4:26: ESV

How do we get there? That’s what a biblical counselling approach to anger is aiming for. However, before we flesh that out, it’s worth clarifying what anger is.

What is anger?

The core beneath the many faces of anger is, “I’m against that.” ³ It’s saying, “That matters… and it’s not right.” ⁴ It’s, “Active displeasure towards something that’s important enough to care about.”⁵

When I feel anger, three things happen:

1. I pinpoint something that I see as wrong;
2. I take a stance of disapproval; I’m unhappy about it;
3. I’m moved to take some action (or potential action).⁶

For example, my son interrupts me while I’m writing an SMS on my phone.

1. Firstly, what do I see as wrong? The interruption (“I should have a moment of uninterrupted peace and quiet to finish my thought!”).
2. Secondly, how do I express a stance of disapproval? I’m against my son; I disapprove of his interruption (“He shouldn’t have done that!”).
3. Thirdly, what action am I moved to take? I lash out with critical words: “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?!”

These same three things play out whether the incident is an example of bad anger (as above) or good anger (for example, someone discloses abuse, and you respond by feeling anger towards the perpetrator).

Anger motivates us

But it’s also worth pointing out that anger motivates us.⁶

Anger “protects what it loves”.⁷ It works to right wrongs.⁸ We see this play out in good anger as people work towards justice, restoration, and healing. But we also see anger protecting what it loves with bad anger, as people react badly to interruptions, cut down others to defend their reputation or assert their power.

Anger isn’t “content to sit idle.” ⁹ It’s difficult to restrain with self-control.¹⁰ When people have no outlet for anger, people turn sour, it can lead to depression. ¹¹

A friend of mine speaks of anger like a nuclear reactor. It’s volatile and dangerous. It can also be harnessed for great good.

God’s plan for our anger

Consider this example. A couple plans a special meal at home. The husband goes all out. But his wife is caught up in traffic and arrives home late. A big fight follows. It spoils the rest of their evening. Each is angry at the other, convinced that they have experienced real wrong. Their hopes for the evening are dashed.

How does God and his plan rearrange the hearts of this husband and wife?

Let’s return to this example shortly.

Good and angry

God wants to make us “good and angry”.¹² We follow a Saviour who was both angry (e.g. Mark 3:5) and without sin (Heb. 4:15). Jesus didn’t just die to take away our sin; he “died to make us good” ¹³ (e.g. Titus 2:14). That ‘good’ is that our lives are patterned after his. This includes our anger becoming good and clean like his anger.

Building on our definition of anger, we see that it involves making value judgements. What you get angry about reveals your heart, what you value, what you love.

We can go wrong in three ways.

• Firstly, sometimes I value the wrong things. For example, if I love power or control, I might use my words to belittle you: “You think you can challenge me? You’re good for nothing! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!” What’s the message? “You exist to do my will. Submit to me or face my wrath!”
• Secondly, sometimes I value good things too much. Consider the example of me sending an SMS and being interrupted: “You’re disturbing my peace!” Peace and quiet can be a good thing. But it has become a demand in my heart if I’m willing to lash out at others who disturb it.
• Thirdly, sometimes I don’t care enough. I’m apathetic, unmoved, and lack love. For example, my son comes home and tells me about his experience of bullying, but I’m not moved. What he needs from me is, “That was so cruel! I need to address this with Mr Robinson!”

Becoming like Jesus, the process of God changing our anger, involves being concerned about what God cares about. God is in the business of changing our desires. This means that God changes what I want (where the desire is wrong), he changes how much I want (where the desire is too much), and he changes what I love (increasing my love, so I care about things that I wasn’t concerned about before).

C.S. Lewis gives us a helpful illustration about the goodness the Lord is working in us. He says it’s like playing the piano. It’s not about hitting any key at any time. But it’s when we play the right key at the right time that we produce a beautiful tune. He gives the example of the mother instinct. There are times when advocating for your child will result in things being unfair for other children. On that occasion, the desire to advocate needs to be restrained. But there are other times when standing up for your child is necessary. Occasions where that desire is to be acted on.¹³ This is the beauty of what God’s Spirit does in us. He shapes us to want the right thing, with the right intensity, at the right time.

The constructive displeasure of mercy

David Powlison has coined the phrase, “the constructive displeasure of mercy” to capture God’s own anger and the shape of our Christlike anger.¹⁴

What is it?

• Firstly, constructive means that it is going somewhere good. That means that it’s free of our self-centred concerns for getting our will, our way.
• Second, displeasure is that sense that what has happened is not good. Being unhappy about something. Taking a stand against it.
• Thirdly, mercy is that desire not to simply treat others as they deserve, but instead a determination to do what is good for them.

Powlison unpacks four key ways we express the constructive displeasure of mercy: (i) patience; (ii) forgiveness; (iii) charity (kindness); and (iv) constructive conflict. For our purposes, let’s zero in on patience and constructive conflict as we think about good anger.

1. Patience

Patience in Proverbs is closely related to anger. Where the NIV translates ‘patience’ the ESV often translates ‘slow to anger’. For example:

“Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.” Proverbs 14:29 NIV11

We’re like God when we’re slow to anger. It means persevering in a relationship with someone when they still have a lot of growing to do. It means slowing down when something pushes our buttons. For example, taking a week to sit on a draft reply to a critical email rather than firing it off immediately.

2. Constructive Conflict

James 3:13-18 is a key passage on constructive conflict:

“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.  But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”

We read of the difference between ‘worldly wisdom’ and ‘heavenly wisdom’. In 3:17 the ESV translates ‘considerate’ (NIV11) as ‘open to reason’. It’s a posture saying, “I’m going to stay calm. I’ll hear you out.” “I’m not going to take it personally.” “I may disagree with much of what you say, but is there a grain of truth that I need to hear?” This openness can make a world of difference in a conflict.

Constructive conflict aims to make peace (3:18). It’s the difference between keeping the peace (‘peace-faking’) and peacemaking. It’s a willingness to have difficult conversations for the sake of establishing real peace (think ‘shalom’ in the Old Testament, a deep harmony in community). There’s a place for honesty, but it’s honesty and love together. We work hard to say things in a way that invites relationship, in a way that’s easier to hear rather than attacking.

God is the Judge

Good anger makes and leaves room for God’s judgement. It asks God to act and right wrongs. Anger tempts us to assert ourselves as the judge. Instead, we’re called to submit to the Lord. James says:

“There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbour?” James 4:12 NIV11

We follow the pattern of the Psalms. We ask God to judge, expose evil, bring justice, right wrongs. Likewise, we’re told clearly by Paul:

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:19 NIV11

Returning to the couple’s conflict

How do these plans of God change the couple in conflict about their failed evening together?

• For the wife, she recalls that the Lord is her Shepherd, who gives her all that she needs. How does that reality change the way she engages in conflict? “I’m still right to challenge my husband for being unreasonable. But now I see that changes my tone—it’s a loving correction, not an attack. Not everything depends on whether he hears me or not. It doesn’t have to be resolved here and now. If I try, and he’s not receptive, there will be other times to try again. Whether he hears me or not, the Lord is with me, and he will give me what I need most.”
• For the husband, his eyes are opened to see that he wanted a good thing (in a special meal) but that something had got distorted in his heart. “It’s become more about me and my expectations for our time together… I’ve been feeling hurt… I’m disappointed and feel like you don’t appreciate me… But I was wrong to be so unreasonable and impatient when you were held up. Will you forgive me?”

How to help: a four-step process

In this final section of the article, we’re going to consider a four-step process to help us deal with our anger and help those around us who struggle with anger. I’m borrowing this framework from Alastair Groves and Winston Smith. The four steps are: (i) identify; (ii) examine; (iii) evaluate; (iv) act.¹⁵

You can jump in and help others at any of these four steps. Your initial help might only be focussed on one of these steps.

Before we unpack the steps in detail, it’s helpful to think about the change process in the Christian life. I often think of a scene in the movie, The Matrix. Neo is being shot at, rapid fire. We see everything in slow motion. The camera pans. Neo sees each bullet and is able to dodge and weave to avoid being shot. As we help others to change, we want to help them slow down and see things in a micro-moment that they’ve not seen before. 

With anger, there’s a particular blindness. An angry person is usually the last person to see that they have a problem.¹⁶ It’s difficult to take the log out of their eye (Mt. 7:3–5). When someone says, “I have an issue with anger,”it’s huge!

Working with an angry person can take time. For an angry person given to twenty minutes of rage and ranting, change might start by reducing their rage to fifteen minutes. Growth is in learning to identify anger sooner. What we’re aiming for is a growth in self-awareness where two paths emerge – early in the moment of anger. This is the freeze-frame, the micro-moment. We want them to see, “This is the path I typically choose. I don’t have to pick that path. The Lord offers me a way of escape and this is what it looks like…”

1. Identifying anger

In identifying anger, we’re asking, “What’s going on in me?” 

“Oh, I’m angry!”

How do we recognise anger? Anyone in attack mode. Physically, anger may be evident by rapid breathing, a flushed face, tense muscles, clenched fists, and one’s whole body feels tight. Long-term anger may be expressed by hypertension, digestive issues and high blood pressure.

Think of common bad anger: a raised voice, harsh, critical words, broken items like smashed dishes, holes in walls, shattered phones. There’s violence—where someone physically attacks another.

On the receiving end of anger one might have tears, respond in tense silence, anxious attempts to calm or with return attacks—“fighting fire with fire.”

When you’re the angry person, anger feels so right. Like the time I was cycling and a driver broke road rules to overtake me. In my anger, I was deluded in thinking he’d benefit from my heated words and shaking fist.

You can feel like everyone is out to get you. The world is full of idiots, people who treat you unfairly, incompetence.

Sometimes anger is expressed in less intense forms: frustration, irritation, grumbling and complaining. Each of these is anger—just in more or less intense forms.

2. Examining anger

Examining anger is turning the incident over in your mind. It’s not aiming to conclude whether the anger is good or bad; it’s gaining insight. What happened? Was there a trigger? We’re asking, “Why am I angry?”

This step alone can help diffuse anger. Perhaps you have had a fight with your spouse about how to stack the dishwasher, and asking this question helps you to see how silly it is!

“What wrong am I perceiving?” Name the injustice that you feel; what you’re attacking (or wanting to attack).

“What is the outcome of my anger?” Is my response helping others? Or damaging them?

Anger can hide behind escape: turning to alcohol or drugs or any way of checking out—like TV, social media, binge-eating. This kind of anger simmers beneath the surface until you’re tipped over the edge. It becomes clear when there’s a sudden explosion.

3. Evaluating anger

Now we’re aiming to assess whether our anger is good, bad, or a mix:

• Was my response reasonable? Out of proportion?
• Am I taking a stand against something that matters? Am I upset about what God is upset about?
• Or is this more about not getting my way? Things not going according to my plan, my agenda, my kingdom?
• What was happening in my heart? Did desires for other things hijack my love for God?
• Have I caused damage to others and failed to love? Have I asked God to right what was wrong?
• Or have I been bent on vengeance, taking things into my hands?

Here’s a healthy caution: if we conclude there was a real wrong, it can be wise to slow down our responses in order to make them right. Invite a wise friend in, ask for their input. Our anger may have something healthy to it, but we can still be prone to self-righteousness (“I’m right; you’re wrong”), pettiness (maybe it’s not a hill worth dying on?) or getting even (“I want to make them pay”). It’s worth asking if we’ve understood things accurately.

Occasionally, we just misunderstand something. Did they really mean that? Does what I perceive of this person stack up with what I know about them? How do they usually treat others?

4. Acting on anger

How can I act constructively on my anger?

Slow down!

 “… Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”
(James 1:19 NIV11)

We ask questions like: what steps can I take to love God and neighbour? Are there steps I can take to pursue truth and justice? Are there wrongs that I need to put right because of my own bad anger?

These four steps can be very helpful. But we follow them, engaging God throughout.¹⁷ We live before a personal God and we need His help!

We’re asking for the ability to see ourselves clearly. For him to shed light on places where we’ve become blinkered, tunnel-visioned, unable to see him and others. For the help we need to put right any wrong we’ve done.  For the Lord’s forgiveness when we have responded with bad anger.

We’re asking Him to see where He’s forming good desires. What it means for us to express constructive anger.

We’re asking Him to hear, act and rescue when our anger is in response to our suffering.

Conclusion

We each experience anger in a variety of forms. But Scripture gives us a vision for becoming good and angry. In the kinds of ways we’ve explored, anger can be redeemed and serve God’s purposes in making us like Christ!

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Bibliography:

• Lewis CS. Mere Christianity. Pomodoro Books; 2024.
• Groves, JA, Smith, WT. Untangling Emotions. Wheaton, IL: Crossway; 2019.
• Powlison, D. Good and Angry: Redeeming Anger, Irritation, Complaining, and Bitterness. Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press; 2016.
• Powlison, D. The Dynamics of Biblical Change (Lectures 1-11). School of Biblical Counseling (Online): CCEF, 2017.
• Welch, ET. A Small Book about a Big Problem: Meditations on Anger, Patience, and Peace. Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press; 2017.
• Welch, ET. Helping Relationships (Lectures 1-11). School of Biblical Counseling (Online): CCEF, 2017.
• Welch, ET. Who Are We? Needs, Longings, and the Image of God in Man. Journal of Biblical Counseling.1994 Fall; 13(1): 25-38.
• Welch, ET. The Madness of Anger. Journal of Biblical Counseling. 2006 Fall; 24(4): 26-35.