16 MINUTE READ

From Luke’s Journal Nov 2024 | Vol.29 No.3 | Mental Health II

The problem

As reports of domestic abuse, sexual abuse and broken marriages across churches continue to rise¹, I hear people baffled by how this could possibly be. Don’t we live in a relatively safe country, with good education, rising equality between men and women and with our churches teaching love, kindness and compassion?

It has been suggested that these statistics are the result of continuing stigma around divorce, gender inequality (elevating the male voice in teaching and leadership) and a misunderstanding around the nature of forgiveness². However, as a sexologist, I suspect there is another misunderstood theological theme that is contributing to these mortifying statistics. Let’s talk about self-sacrifice.

It was just this past weekend that I listened to a minister preach on the following verses ‘Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.’ (Philippians 2:3-4) The overwhelming message was to value others above yourselves – even if it came at a cost in the form of time, money or health (which it probably would). The reasoning was that Jesus too made himself nothing, valuing us to the point of sacrificing his own body on a cross and we needed to follow him in this way (Philippians 2:5-8). It was backed up by the verse “Follow God’s example, therefore as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:2).

The application of this message when I checked in with people after the service was the following: when you give yourself up for others it is a sacrifice to God, so when faced with other people’s needs (which of course we always are), don’t be selfish in thinking about yours and serve, serve, serve (even if it hurts) because that’s the Christian way of shining God’s love into the world.

While it has always been a familiar concept to me and in theory, a beautiful one, I quietly wondered how this sort of teaching protected people from burnout and resentment. How did it prevent Christians from being taken advantage of and how were Christians equipped to challenge various forms of abuse with this narrative in the background?

The more I reflected on it, the more I realised, with shock, that it was also this very concept that was leading to sexual devastation in many of my client’s lives. I’d seen how so many married women had laid down their lives, their bodies and sexual preferences, enduring pain and discomfort for the sake of their marriage and in the context of being a sacrificial wife and mother. I’d seen how many men had unknowingly (and perhaps even knowingly) stepped into an entitlement framing around sex using sacrifice-laden Bible verses to support their position and make demands sexually.

Courtney Reissig writes about this self-sacrifice through the lens of motherhood, although this sentiment is often echoed in my clinical rooms multiple times over with regards to sexual intercourse in marriage. She writes, “[Motherhood] is a call to death…fulfilment is found in following the way of the cross, in laying down your life so that another may live.” She goes onto say, “But now I’m in the thick of it, most days I resent the sacrifice. I don’t like the service required of me. I know it’s better to give than to receive. I believe Jesus’ words about losing my life in order to find it. But it really all feels like death most days.”³

My question is, whether it be for a child or in the context of having sex with a spouse, is this kind of self-sacrifice, death-like existence and resentment how God wants his people to experience intimacy, or is there a better way? Moreover, it is no wonder that so many women are enduring abusive relationships because they feel like it’s precisely this death-like existence that validates their role as a ‘good Christian’ wife.

(As a side note, I also see many ministers facing burnout as a result of similar teachings. The irony is that this often leads them to ‘need’ sex more urgently as a means of self-soothing or maintaining a corner that is just for them in the face of losing the rest of themselves to their congregation’s needs. This places additional pressure on the act of sex, leading them to become more entitled and frustrated, and sometimes turning to pornography as an easy solution).

Theology of self-sacrifice unhelpfully applied to sexuality

As one might imagine, the outcome of thinking about self-sacrifice in this way is far from edifying and can so easily lead to sexual dysfunction, relational tension, abusive dynamics and significant mental health issues. The thought process often goes something like this:

1. Sex (and specifically intercourse) is a good thing designed originally by God for marriage that we need to engage in regularly.
2. Her body belongs to him (1 Corinthians 7:4) so if he needs more sex (which culture and many Christian books constantly insinuate) then she should be a dutiful wife and provide it for him.
3. Love inevitably means some level of self-sacrifice and cost so it is right for her to abandon her own ‘selfish’ sexual preferences (particularly when it is to avoid intercourse) and instead withstand pain/discomfort for the sake of the other. Like Jesus she dies to ‘self’ and participates in an extreme act of service and generosity. She has given up her body for love (like Christ).
4. Withholding sex from her partner would result in a higher chance of Satan tempting him so it is a sacrifice of utmost importance (1 Corinthians 7:5).
5. If she isn’t feeling any sort of joy in this giving process like Paul and Jesus (and instead feeling resentment, fatigue or anger), it is a result of her sin and selfishness. Hebrews 12:2 tells us, “For the joy set before him he endured the cross.”

Shame

By the time these women arrive in my clinic they are often struggling under six layers of shame, leading them to hide from God, their partner, and even from themselves, with significant repercussions to their faith, self esteem and relationship:

1. The shame of inadequacy – not feeling enough sexually for her husband because she is not enjoying sex as he does, nor as he would like her to.
2. The shame of missing out on what the world describes as a wonderful part of being human. Many women feel so alone in their struggle.
3. The shame of denying her own body’s needs and preferences – the space has become traumatic, unsafe and therefore extremely triggering. It is a choice between honouring her husband’s body or her own. Vaginismus and chronic illness is an all too common manifestation of this trauma.
4. The shame of not feeling anything other than pure joy in the process –she believes her misery is indicative of spiritual immaturity and sin.
5. The shame of secretly despising her partner – there is resentment and bitterness toward her partner for pursuing sex and seemingly enjoying it at her expense.
6. The shame of dishonesty – pretending to enjoy it or being impartial towards it when she secretly wishes that she could never have sex again.

By continually engaging in intercourse with such deep shame means there is retraumatisation, which after many years develops into an avoidance pattern and a felt sense of grief and hopelessness for the couple.

How this approach does not support healthy sexuality or theology

Apart from these negative consequences, the thought process above at first glance can seem like a fair interpretation. However, there are many aspects to these concepts that undermine the psychology of healthy sexuality and the way it was originally designed.

1. Desiring and being desired is a fundamental part of what makes sex so wonderful (God himself ‘desires’ his people and you see this throughout the Old Testament). Changing the act of sex into a legalistic act that says ‘this is just what we should do regularly, now that we are married’ changes the whole dynamic. It also means that the act of sex can be weaponised where one partner is telling the other what they need to be feeling/doing to ensure this ritualised practice takes place and is not one based on desire and free will.

2. This first perspective also reduces the act of sex down to penetrative intercourse – limiting what is possible and putting performance pressure on the couple to reach this goal every time. This is challenging, particularly if pain is part of the experience (which it often is when there is no arousal, and sex has become more of a chore). The verse, “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight’ (Proverbs 5:19) is interesting in that it emphasises rejoicing in a sexual behaviour that isn’t intercourse.

3. While the Bible talks about one’s body belonging to the other – it is a vision of mutuality, one that communicates the concept that ‘what affects you affects me because we are one’. In a context where men were primarily interested in their own pleasure – this verse was radical in correctly focusing their attention on their partner’s experience and not designed to enable any sort of abusive behaviour.

• Mutuality is a fundamental theological concept with Ephesians 5:2 highlighting a vision for marriage that involves mutual submission. In Song of Songs we see two lovers taking turns in speaking and acting sexually with one another.

When one partner relinquishes their ability to access pleasure and simply serves – it robs the other partner of being able to give. Interestingly, this dynamic can be driven more by the woman than the man partly because it’s easier to hide behind a husband’s sexual need and service this, than to be vulnerable enough to explore one’s own sexuality which has often been suppressed for years. There can also be safety in being the martyr in the relationship and not taking an equal share of responsibility for this relational space.

4. While one may think they are ticking the box as they service their partner as a chore – what they don’t realise is that it undermines the very heart and purpose of intimacy which is to know and be deeply known (Adam ‘knew’ Eve his wife…Genesis 4:1). By servicing him in this way she is making herself unknowable. It also moves the dynamic to a patient/carer dynamic (which is not at all erotic). No partner wants to be ‘endured’ sexually, nor will they be able to truly experience/ receive pleasure knowing the other is not also receiving.

5. Where there should be no fear in love (1 John 4:18) – this sexual act is mobilised out of fear – fear of a husband cheating on them if they don’t give them the sex they ‘need’. It also reinforces the unhelpful idea that it is a woman’s role to manage a man’s ’out of control’ sexuality, which is reminiscent of the purity culture idea. It removes personal accountability for the man’s own sexual desires and reduces a woman’s sexuality to being about managing a man’s sexual desires.

6. Interestingly many women seem to find a sense of value/worth in serving others (which can in itself be an idol) leading to toxic resentment when they are not appreciated or valued as they deserve. In other words they blindly step into other people’s desires in what could only be described as perpetual people-pleasing for self-validation. This is different to true other-person-centred service.

7. The biblical command to self-sacrifice in a relational context is specifically directed at men. They are asked to sacrifice as Christ did – to lay down self (and selfish desires) for the sake of their wife (Ephesians 5:25). So if the self-sacrifice concept were to land anywhere it would be squarely at the feet of men to let go of their desire or entitlement to having sex in a particular way and be open to new ways of engaging sexually.

A healthier way forward

I am convinced that God never designed sex or intimacy to be this way. So how are we to correctly understand this concept of self sacrifice, given that there are indeed many verses in the Bible that call us to prioritise serving others and God before ourselves?

The first step is in understanding that we are freed from being slaves to sin (centring around self) with a new identity as God’s children where we now centre our lives around Him (Galatians 5:13-14). When we do this we receive unconditional love, authentic belonging, acceptance and appreciation which means we can walk away from trying to attain this in the world. We no longer have to prove ourselves to the world by what we do, or how we please or what we have. We are free to drop the chase for self glory (letting go of rights, privileges, pleasures, possessions, expectations and well formed plans that serve to bring us glory) and can just, “Be still and know that he is God’ (Psalm 46:10).

It’s from this place of freedom and strength, peace, gratitude and abundance that we can love and serve others wholeheartedly and in a way that is detached from ‘should’ or fear of the other’s response. Instead, the motivation to do this comes from God and a thankfulness in what He has done first for us (1 John 4:19), and not in response to a ‘tit for tat’ attitude, or a need to people please.

This concept resists the idea of ‘duty’ or ‘obligation’ and encourages us to freely and actively step into our own God-given desires and agency to decide and manage what service for God looks like. It resists saying ‘yes’ to whatever lands at our feet. It’s why Paul says that he is free and belongs to no one – yet has made himself a slave (1 Corinthians 9:19). Freedom and agency comes first – and then there is choice in how he loves and serves the other. This concept is reinforced again and again, encouraging Christians to use their freedom to serve one another in love (Galations 5:13-14).

Using this principle in the sexual space looks like embracing a personal sexual agency for the purpose of serving your partner; freely desiring and not being moved to be sexual out of a sense of duty or pressure. It involves slowing down and co-creating a sexual space for both people which may or may not involve intercourse. It involves a focus on receiving pleasure (which can feel ‘selfish’ or ‘indulgent’ to someone used to servicing). The purpose of course is not to stay only focused on self – but to allow that ‘self’ to be known by another, which is at the core of what intimacy is about.

To women specifically, I want to say that your engagement sexually isn’t about laying down your own desires, hopes and purposes – to become less of yourselves and just pick up your husband’s desires like a passive vessel. In fact, I believe God wants you to step into who you were created to be with your unique arousal patterns and desires. In Song of Songs, you see a woman boldly desiring and initiating, communicating her wants and what she loves about her partner – she leads and is led in pleasure – she is not disconnected from the beauty of her body but reminds herself of it; she lets in her partner’s admiration and opens herself up to engage in sensuality using her five senses. She brings herself to him with her desires and from that agency serves and loves him as well. The mutuality is tangible even as they even take turns speaking.

To men, that sacrificial service looks like laying down preferences for how you’d ideally like sex to be – in the hope of pursuing a vision that is something both of you can get excited about. This may also mean investing time and resources into making it work and being curious about your wife’s sexuality – sometimes letting go of short-term pleasure for long term gains.

In summary, I’m appealing to those married couples that have unknowingly colluded around these concepts of self-sacrifice – where there is a subtle abusive dynamic involving sexual entitlement from the man and a servitude response for the woman leading to misery within their sexual space.

I believe the teaching around self-sacrifice (as a guiding principle in life exemplified by Christ) is being misunderstood at its core level in the sexual realm. Where self-sacrifice is about repeatedly denying and hiding oneself sexually with an overemphasis of caring for others at the expense of self, it opens people up to a deep shame that leads to dysfunction and relationship breakdown. Looking to the Bible for answers we see that we are called to lay down selfish (earthly) desires to pick up a new identity in Christ, where we no longer revolve around self in the static and demanding dance of self-interest, where our needs trump everything. Instead, we are called to look to God for our needs – freed of needing validation from the world – and free to love and serve each other in an authentic way. In a sexual space, this involves embracing sexual agency – coupled with mutuality and a concern for the other person’s pleasure as much as your own – allowing both the joy of giving and receiving, fostering true intimacy in relationships.

---

References

1. Powell R, Pepper M. National Anglican Family Violence Research Report: for the Anglican Church of Australia. NCLS Research Report. 2021. Available from: https://anglican.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/1.-NAFVP-Research-Report.pdf
2. Lim A. The complicated layers of being an abused Christian wife. Eternity News. April 5, 2022. Available from: https://eternitynews.com.au/australia/the-complicated-layers-of-being-an-abused-christian-wife/
3. Reissig C. When motherhood feels like death. The Gospel Coalition. Published June 6, 2018. Available from: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/motherhood-feels-like-death/