14 MINUTE READ

From Luke’s Journal Nov 2024 | Vol.29 No.3 | Mental Health II

In an age where forming connections is easier and more convenient than ever, one could have envisioned a revolution in both the quantity and quality of our relationships. On the contrary, we find ourselves in a time where loneliness seems to be on the rise. Badcock et al.¹ (2022) defined loneliness as “a subjective unpleasant or distressing feeling of a lack of connection to other people, along with a desire for more, or more satisfying, social relationships.” In other words, a deep yearning for connection that remains unfulfilled, even in times when we are socially connected.

The Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) Survey,² which follows the lives of 17,000 Australians annually, reveals a troubling statistic. An increasing trend in the feeling of loneliness in young people since 2012. In 2009, the loneliest age group was those 65 and older, twelve years later, in 2021, 15-24-year-olds had become the loneliest group.³ Although there has been some improvements with regards to overall decrease in loneliness in the later years of the pandemic, surveys completed in December 2023 indicate that approximately 1 in 4 (26.1%) Australians still experience persistent loneliness, with 41.1% of young people aged 18-24 years making up the highest risk group.⁴

Alarmed at growing trends of loneliness, public health authorities in recent years, are increasingly recognising persistent loneliness as a public health issue through its direct and indirect influence on mental and physical health, as well as its association with higher mortality risk.^{5, 6} One study even considers lack of social relationships a mortality risk comparable to light smoking (15 cigarettes/day) and alcohol consumption (6 drinks/day), and suggest it poses a greater risk to mortality than obesity and hypertension.⁷

In this article, I aim to paint a picture about the modern state of loneliness and its impact on the lives of those around us. I am by no means an expert or even deeply knowledgeable in this field. However, though a layman, the experiences of both my peers and myself do modestly resonate with this description of the current state and trends of relationships.

Among the various types of relationships, I want to focus on the most common and deeply interwoven – yet no less significant – form of relationship: Friendship. Friendship is described as a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people (Britannica). In many ways, it can be characterised as the foundation for all forms of companionship. As such, friendship plays a crucial role in shaping our experience of connection, and is one of the primary drivers of loneliness when absent.

“To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it.” C. S. Lewis

Why is friendship and relationship so critical?

We all understand the importance of friendship and relationship, but have we ever stopped to consider what is so wonderful about friendship? We go to reasons like building connections with people who have shared values and interests, gaining new perspectives and insights, and fostering a sense of belonging. All good and important aspects indeed. However, let us delve deeper, beginning with the book of Genesis:

Gen 2:18 “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone…”

We were not made to be alone, in fact it was “not good”.  Connection and relationship is valuable and essential for humanity. When these needs are unmet, this leads to the unravelling of our physical, mental and spiritual health and, more critically, the core elements of our identity.

Companionship – being known, loved and to matter – is foundational to our being. It fulfils a deep existential and spiritual need (thirst – John 4). As beings made in the image of a Triune God who has always existed in loving community as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, we are inherently designed for relationship with each other and, ultimately, relationship with our God (Gen 1:27, Col 1:16).

A Biblical view of the current state of friendship?

However, this did not last. Mankind chose to reject their partnership with God and instead run and separate from Him (Gen 3:6-9). Alienated from the God who loved and cared for us, we became enemies through our persistent rejection of Him (Col 1:21). This fracture in the vertical relationship with our Creator did not come without cost to the horizontal relationship with each other. While there are some who work at times for the wellbeing of others, the prevailing tendency is to prioritise our own interests above all else – profits over people, ambitions over peace, our comfort over the suffering of others.

Titus 3:3 “At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.”

Here we have a picture of human relationships marred by moral foolishness, disobedience and deceit – where the pursuit and satisfaction of our passions and pleasures takes precedence. As a result, our lives often become filled with bitterness, envy and even hatred towards one another. While some may view this an extreme outlook on ourselves, when we take a step back, can we honestly describe humanity in any other way when we look at the broader picture?

“Yet we all struggle with a heart condition rooted in fear, mistrust, selfishness, contempt, impatience, envy, powerlessness, past wounds, all of which ultimately culminated in sin.”

In our friendships and relationships, we naturally seek love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, (Gal 5:22-23) as well as equity and justice. Yet we all struggle with a heart condition rooted in fear, mistrust, selfishness, contempt, impatience, envy, powerlessness, past wounds, all of which ultimately culminated in sin. This not only strains our relationships with others but also damages our relationships with ourselves, the world and ultimately, with God.  And for those who unfortunately grapple with poor mental health, these negative attributes can be magnified to such an extent that they hinder the ability to maintain healthy connections with others.

In a world marred by selfishness and brokenness, how can true friendship exist? Who can bear the cost and weight of all the injury?

How does the Cross transform our relationship with God?

“The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners…’” Matt 11:19

Here we see a God who was not distant from us, that while we were still His enemies chose to step into the darkness out of love. A God who made the first and ultimate move to repair the broken relationship we have with him (Rom 5:8-10). God did this by laying down His own life. Jesus not only reconciled us to God, but transformed our relationship from one of mere creator and creature, or master and servant, to that of dear friend (John 15:15). Through this act He established friendship by grace – a gift He willingly gave, setting the greatest example of friendship:

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”John 15:12-13

On the cross, Jesus’ grace opens the door for outsiders, for those who are different for any reason. He sought out the marginalised to make peace with those who were far, hostile and estranged. We are no longer alone. Through His Spirit, we have access to God, becoming fellow citizens with all of God’s people and joining in one heavenly family (Eph 2:13-19). This friendship, relationship and fellowship will last into eternity, never fading despite the trials and hardships we go through (Ps 77).

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Cor 13:4-7:

Having been forgiven and reconciled, He calls His people to do to each other what has been done to us (Matt 7:12). By following His example, we can extend that same grace to our fellow neighbours and love others as Christ has loved us. While there is much to explore in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, I would like to highlight that love “keeps no record of wrongs”. In any relationship, we will encounter hurt and betrayal from each other, and when it comes from those who are the closest to us, it is especially hard. While it may not always come quickly in the moment, we can reflect on the foundation of our fellowship with God – the forgiveness that we have received. This makes it possible to be compassionate to one another, not holding on to the other’s guilt as ammunition, but giving the gift of forgiveness just as Christ did (Eph 4:32, Matt 6:12, 14-15). May we, who have been brought near and transformed by the blood of Christ, love others and draw them near as well (Phm 1:16), offering them true friendship modelled and centred around Jesus.

What is Christ-centred friendship?

At the centre of our entire lives is Christ, the one who came, died and rose for our good and for God’s glory. Therefore, Christ ought to be at the centre of every aspect of our lives, and friendship is no exception. So how do we ensure Christ remains at the heart of all our friendships?

“Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.” Colossians 3:16

Keep the life-changing good news of the gospel at the centre of all our friendships and relationships – good news for everyone! Despite all our differences – whether cultural, political, social, etc – it is the gospel of Christ that unites us (Gal 3:26-28). His example and sacrifice enable us to love others, even when it comes at a cost, because He bore our suffering, guilt and shame (Is 53:4, Heb 13:12-13). He brings peace to those whose hearts are distant from each other, offering forgiveness, reconciliation and transformation on so many levels, that everyone may become a friend.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25

Let us make every effort to gather together in order that we may encourage and remind each other with the message of Christ, motivating one another towards love and good deeds to all we encounter. And ultimately, to the end and goal of all relationships: to glorify God and reach eternity together in Christ. For our friends who do not yet know Christ, may they experience the love and light of Christ through our deeds and glorify God when He returns (Matt 5:16, 1 Pet 2:12).

Summary

We were made for relationship and friendship, with others and with God. However, these relationships have been marred by sin, which ultimately leaves us disconnected and lonely. When our relational needs are unmet, it adversely impacts our physical, mental and spiritual well-being.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

Despite our brokenness, God first loved us and desired to reconcile our relationship with Himself through Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. Through His act of selfless love, He transforms our relationships to be friends of God and brings peace between each other. Therefore, let us make every effort to have Christ at the centre of all of our friendships and relationships, encouraging one another towards love, good deeds and eternity, ultimately glorifying God together. May we extend this love that Christ has shown us to each other, whether they be far or near.

Afterword – words of comfort for the lonely:

Thank you for making it this far. I pray these words have been helpful to you. This message is especially for those who are struggling with loneliness. Loneliness is hard.  While it is an experience many go through at various points in life – perhaps more than once – it is never easy (having been in this position myself). If it is any comfort, please know that many can relate to what you are going through, and my encouragement to you is to reach out.

I totally understand that it takes immense courage and vulnerability to share this part of yourself with others. While I cannot promise you that everyone will always respond warmly, there are many – especially those who truly follow Christ – who will not turn away a neighbour in need. But I can promise you that God will not reject you, even in your vulnerability (Ps 51:17). Therefore, bring your struggles before Him in prayer and petition (Phil 4:6). Keep your eyes open for how He may answer these prayers, both conventionally and (perhaps more likely) unconventionally.

“Keep your eyes open for how He may answer these prayers, both conventionally and (perhaps more likely) unconventionally.”

Perhaps the greatest comfort I can offer is that we have a God who is not detached from our troubles, hardships or suffering. He genuinely feels and understands our pain (Heb 4:15). Jesus Himself suffered rejection from His own people (John 1:10-11), abandonment by His closest friends (Mark 14:50, Matt 26:56), and the pain, humiliation and shame of the Cross (Matt 26:67, 27:26, 27:35). He willingly entered into human suffering in order to transform it, and ultimately bring the solution through the Cross.

So, I invite you to know and be known by Jesus. In Him, you can find a peace and comfort that surpasses anything this world can offer.

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References

1. Badcock, J.; Holt-Lunstad, J.; Gracia, E.; Bombaci, P.; Lim, M. Position statement: Addressing social isolation and loneliness and the power of human connection. Global Initiative on Loneliness and Connection (GILC). https://www.gilc.global/our-position-statements (30th August 2024).
2. Wilkins, R.; Vera-Toscano, E.; Botha, F. The Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia Survey: Selected Findings from Waves 1 to 21. In Melbourne Institute: Applied Economic & Social Research, U. o. M., Ed. 2023; pp 170-174.
3. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, A. G. Social isolation and loneliness. In 2022.
4. Lim, M.; Qualter, P.; Owen, K.; Smith, B. Why we feel lonely. A deep dive into how different life circumstances contribute to persistent loneliness and social isolation. https://lonelinessawarenessweek.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2024/08/why-we-feel-lonely.pdf (29th August 2024).
5. Holt-Lunstad, J.; Smith, T. B.; Baker, M.; Harris, T.; Stephenson, D. Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review. Perspectives on Psychological Science 2015, 10, 227-237.
6. Luhmann, M.; Buecker, S.; Rüsberg, M. Loneliness across time and space. Nature Reviews Psychology 2023, 2, 9-23.
7. Xia, N.; Li, H. Loneliness, Social Isolation, and Cardiovascular Health. Antioxid Redox Signal 2018, 28, 837-851.