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Luke’s Journal July 2026  |  Vol.31  No.2  |  Sexuality

“For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin – because anyone who has died has been set free from sin…for sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.” Romans 6: 6- 7  & 14

The truth is, it’s a stitch-up

We are living fast, disconnected lives of instant gratification, and on every corner of the internet and woven within every social media app, there is some form of porn that can be accessed. 

Not only is it easily available, free and anonymous – it lands on your doorstep without actively seeking it out. Moreover, the body itself is innately designed to respond to these sexual stimuli; it not only meets our biological criteria for survival, it is deliberately curated to draw you in. 

Against the backdrop of low sex education, busy, exhausting lives and high relational dysfunction, of course, porn feels like an easy and irresistible answer to all of it. Porn provides a simple shortcut to what people are so desperately reaching for: the next dopamine hit, self-soothing, emotional regulation, distraction, and connection.

“So, as yet another Christian person bundles into my office, heavy-laden with guilt and frustration at their inability to quit porn – I listen.”

So, as yet another Christian person bundles into my office, heavy-laden with guilt and frustration at their inability to quit porn – I listen. Sometimes they are there of their own accord; sometimes they have been pushed into my office by an angry partner who has made the discovery after years of lying and deceit. The stories often follow a similar narrative: they were introduced to porn at a young age, it offered them something important in the face of their childhood (or their journey through singleness and marriage); over the years, they have fought hard against it – sometimes winning – but with time, inevitably being drawn back to its allure.

While I know there are ‘heroes’ out there (those who go on all the podcasts) who have found freedom from porn through a certain program, the majority of people I see have come out of these programs feeling helpless in the face of what feels like an impossible task. They explain to me that it’s an addiction because their desire seems to ‘own them’, and they are constantly falling short of the standards they have set for themselves. For these people, I find myself wondering, ‘Will this journey with me be any different and if so… how? What could I possibly offer to them that they haven’t already unpacked in the other programs?’

With time, I’ve made the profound realisation that it’s not about a magical protocol or even gaining a deep understanding that starts to move them in the direction of recovery. Of course, a level of accountability, discipline and awareness is important, as well as strategies relating to emotional regulation and new habits – but most important of all is watching the Christian in front of me grapple with the true meaning of grace. I believe it is only once they truly understand how radical this concept is that they are freed to start the journey of true recovery. So, what is it that gets in the way of this message of grace getting through?

The high bar of sexual purity

Firstly, it is the idea that sexual purity (i.e. complete victory over sexual temptation) is even possible. This concept creates an unattainable standard, as the Bible so often highlights. In Matt 5:28, Jesus says that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with their heart, which is a high challenge. In John 8:1-11, the Pharisees bring a woman caught in adultery to Jesus. He asks those there without sin to throw the first stone, and one by one they all walk away because Jesus knows (and they ultimately admit) that they too fall short of God’s sexual standards.

“The reality that is being highlighted is that we all fall short.”

The reality that is being highlighted is that we all fall short. To hold purity out as if it were possible creates a black-and-white framing that is not only impossible to attain but crippling. It is crippling because, if it seems impossible, why bother even trying?

Many programs and podcasts unknowingly reinforce this dichotomy by holding up a standard that is unrealistic and then encouraging practices that simply highlight how they are constantly falling short. For example, accountability processes like calling a friend can be good. However, taken to the extreme, it can be an act of self-flagellation – a constant reminder of how they are falling short, with a steady focus on their sin.

Some of my clients have counters on their phone that return to 0 when they look at porn, reinforcing the idea that they are back to square one and no further along the journey toward purity. It feels like a Sisyphean task that leaves them feeling more and more defeated with each lapse. Then there are other clients who have shrunk their worlds down so small, not even visiting a beach for fear that their eyes might linger a second too long on a beautiful, scantily clad woman. 

While these approaches may reveal a beautiful desire to be their best selves for God and for others, they are unknowingly setting up a set of Phariseean rules and standards that can create a false sense of security (for those that believe they are ticking off the boxes), or else deep shame and a sense of helplessness (for those that are often more honest with themselves). It reinforces a feeling of never being good enough and wishing for something that could heal them completely of this sin.

“…to believe that they can achieve it by simply ‘doing better’ or striving harder is where they fail, which then leads to despair.”

This realisation is in itself a healthy biblical longing, but to believe that they can achieve it by simply ‘doing better’ or striving harder is where they fail, which then leads to despair. It creates a sense of ‘I’m judged as good/bad by what I do ’, which is exactly what the gospel of grace counters.

It seems to me a genius move on behalf of the ‘accuser’ (i.e. Satan) – to show these people the high bar of sexual purity and then to highlight how incapable they are of reaching it – reminding them of how far they continue to fall. This is what leaves people feeling unworthy of God’s love.

Many clients question their own faith because they feel so ungodly and disgusting. Most of them don’t even reach for help – they just hide in the shame.  The stress of this also often keeps them turning back towards porn as a short-term self-soothing mechanism because of the associated misery and exhaustion of fighting a battle they feel like they can never win. It also keeps them occupied with their own internal ‘battle’ rather than out there fighting the real battle.

Many clients hold out the hope that one day the whole thing will go away – they long for total healing this side of heaven.  Some younger clients believe that will happen when they can finally have sex with a partner… or when they finally find the right program or approach.  However, when that elusive moment doesn’t happen, and they’ve been fighting for a long time towards ‘white’ only to remain in the ‘grey’, many may surrender to the ‘black ’, believing that change is impossible for now. 

“It’s only when clients are completely spent and burnt out that they realise they need a different way of thinking about it.”

Wrapped up in this is usually the accusing voice that invites them to look at their track record and whispers to them of their lack of strength in the face of this big, powerful thing – and the fact that they have likely been stuck in this pattern for the long term. It’s only when clients are completely spent and burnt out that they realise they need a different way of thinking about it.

What we can learn from Bilbo Baggins

One of my clients beautifully described it as being like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings: lusting after the ring while at the same time longing to be free from its grip – with the battle sucking the life out of him, as day by day he is transformed into an ugly troll. It’s an interesting metaphor, because if you slow down and think about it, what was it that made Gollum susceptible to the ring and Bilbo Baggins resistant to it? It was that Bilbo didn’t have the same ambition or desire for power – he did not seek after these things because he had enough – he was enough.

From a spiritual perspective we have access to the same superpower as Bilbo. We are enough, we have enough, and we don’t need to do a single thing more – because of what Jesus has done. We are free from the law because those requirements were met by Jesus and not by our own inadequate labouring after perfection.  We have been given a new identity that sees us living according to the Spirit. It sees us forgiven already.

You are special

In understanding this concept I’m reminded of a children’s book by Max Lucado, ‘You are Special’.  It is a story set in a village of wooden people called the Wemmicks who spend their days sticking gold stars on impressive individuals and grey dots on those who are clumsy or flawed. For those with many grey dots, they feel worthless and rejected – one such Wemmick is Punchinello. One day he meets a Wemmick with no stars or dots – in fact, nothing sticks to her no matter what others try to give her. Curious, Punchinello asks how this is possible. She tells him that he needs to visit Eli – the woodcarver who made them all.

When Punchinello visits Eli, he explains to Punchinello that he is special, not because of what others think, but because Eli made him and loves him and that the stickers only stick if you let them. Now that Punchinello is no longer identified by what he does (or doesn’t) do, but by who he is in relation to his maker, his grey dots start to fall off, and he is truly free!

This is what resting in God’s love does, and why His burden is so light. We do not need to be defined by our weak moments,  burdened and hiding under all our grey stickers. In returning to our maker, we put on an armour that stops anything from sticking.

Stewarding our sexual desires

What this looks like in the sexual realm is, firstly, an acknowledgement of one’s sexuality and desire – which in itself is not an evil thing but does need stewarding.

The second part is acknowledging that temptation is normal to the point that even Jesus was tempted.

Finally, it’s about reorienting yourself back to God and who He says you are and what He promises you. This can occur in one of two ways:

1. Standing strong in the face of the temptation and doing the next right thing;
2. Acknowledging your weakness and confessing your sins to God, trying again next time.

Regardless of what you do, you are still right with God through Christ.

This is why Jesus says in Matt 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” What Jesus is inviting people to do is to come face to face with grace: the uncomfortable realisation that actually, yes, you can sin and still approach God.

A wise minister once said, “You haven’t fully understood grace until you’ve realised the radical nature of this statement,” which even the Apostle Paul grapples with in Romans 6:1-2. Of course, you don’t sin more, so grace abounds… but you can sin… and grace will abound. It’s the realisation that ‘I’m really loved by God – no matter what I do.’

“This makes it particularly meaningful, because it stops us doing things from a place of needing to earn brownie points with God”

If redemption comes first, then you’re free to sin (or not), and it doesn’t define your worth and status before God as His child. This makes it particularly meaningful, because it stops us doing things from a place of needing to earn brownie points with God – and moves us to a place of truly choosing Him out of love and gratitude.

Porn doesn’t own you

The Bible says that it’s from this place of recognising your sin and realising that it doesn’t condemn you that you can be truly freed to “Go and sin no more.”

This is seen in the second part of the story of the woman caught in adultery in John 8. For my clients, this looks like realising that the addiction doesn’t have to have any power over you. Instead, from that place you can start to build the muscles you need to stand steady in the uncomfortable feeling of temptation and make a different choice from moment to moment – realising that with God’s Spirit in you defining who you truly are, you do have the power to resist it. You are no longer a slave to porn – or a slave to sin. It doesn’t ultimately own you – and while you will have moments of weakness, it doesn’t define you to your core.

Turning away from sin isn’t a one-time deal either; it’s a constant process of being consciously aware of your patterns, failing, coming back to God, and trying again. It is a journey in the direction towards God that is peppered with moments of weakness…like it is for any other human being and any other battle with sin.

“You mean I can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to porn and still be OK with God through Christ?”

When they realise this truth, truly realise it, many say…”Well, what now – it all feels so simple – almost too good to be true? You mean I can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to porn and still be OK with God through Christ?”

The simple answer is a resounding “Yes”.  Often it is time to simply rest in God’s love and appreciate the sacrifice that He brought about to make something like this possible. It’s from that place that often clients feel moved to want to do the right thing, not by shame and fear, but mobilised by His love for them, from a place of deep gratitude rather than a ‘should… or else’ paradigm.

Some practical Christian declarations

So, in light of that, here are some practical Christian declarations based on God’s Word that are like that armour we can put on that prevents any ‘grey dots’ from remaining:

Affirmation	Bible Verse
1. If I choose to make a poor decision, I can still come before God.	Hebrews 4:16 – “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
2. My sin doesn’t define who I am tomorrow, nor does it exclude the possibility of me finding the strength I need to make the right decision now or next time.	2 Corinthians 5:17 – “If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
3. All fall short of sexual purity – but there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus – and in that freedom I can choose to ‘go and sin no more.’	Romans 8:1 – “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (paired naturally with John 8:11: “Go now and leave your life of sin.”)
4. I can choose to say ‘no’ today – I’m not helpless.	1 Corinthians 10:13 – “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear…”
5. Each day is an opportunity to make new choices.	Lamentations 3:22-23 – “His mercies are new every morning.”
6. A weak moment is an invitation to go back to God for strength.	2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
7. There’s no such thing as living a life with zero temptation (not even for Jesus). I can’t achieve zero temptation – but can respond faithfully.	Hebrews 4:15 – Jesus “has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.”
8. The discomfort of temptation is real – it’s OK to feel that.	James 1:2-3 – Trials test faith and require perseverance. Temptation itself is not sin; struggle is part of the human experience.
9. Responding faithfully can look like turning away or coming before God, admitting my weakness and gathering the strength and knowledge I need to do better tomorrow.	1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us…”
10. I’m not a slave to sin; I’m a child of God. Freedom from sin is available to me now through Christ.	Romans 8:15 – “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves… rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.”
11. Freedom in Christ is not the same as freedom from porn – although it may lead there one day.	Galatians 5:1 – “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”
12. If through this journey of wrestling, suffering and tears I encounter God’s love and grace, then it is worth it.	Romans 5:3-5 – Suffering produces perseverance, character, hope, and a deeper experience of God’s love.
13. I will not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of my mind.	Romans 12:2 – This affirmation is almost a direct quote.
14. The journey, the temptation, the fight, the battle is not over this side of heaven, and that’s OK because in Christ, the victory is already won.	1 Corinthians 15:57 – “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Some may be reading these affirmations and feel like they are too permissive – that we need to fight for holiness in our lives.  But I believe it’s not until we’ve faced our sin with humility and come face to face with the uncomfortable realisation that we all fall short of God’s sexual ethic that change comes.

Sin no longer defines us and we can be freed from shame (and its counterpart, grandiosity). We are freed from sin and shame first, to be freed for the pursuit of holiness. However, if we try it the other way round (where we are pursuing holiness in the hope of allaying our guilt or attaining/justifying grace or not needing it at all), we have got it all wrong.

Where to from here?

And so, once we’ve really understood grace – what does the process look like?

It often looks different from person to person, but I like to use a modified version of Tina Schermer Seller’s (author and therapist) 4-step process to break shame:

My own profound realisation

Secondarily, as a therapist working with clients in this space, I’ve had my own profound realisation.

It’s not actually the outcome and ‘curing them of their porn addiction’ that is the important part of my work. It is the journey towards that outcome with the potential of bringing that client closer to God which is far more important than the goal itself.

In other words, if that client keeps striving toward a porn-free life, then that is a noble cause. Whether they achieve it this side of heaven is inconsequential if, in the wrestle, they have come face to face with the freedom found in Christ; if they have been brought to tears by the fact that, despite their sinful nature, Jesus loves them wholly. If they know in the deep marrow of their bones, they are loved and worthy of love; if they find themselves praying every day, confessing and asking, that is the true work. 

The guarantee is there that one day they will be freed of this porn addiction; it’s just a matter of time. And it’s for this reason that suffering or a ‘thorn in the side’  can be good – not because suffering is in and of itself good (it is terrible), but because it has the potential to lead us on journeys that take us closer to Him who is an everlasting good. As we encounter His love (ultimately good for us too since it is the love we were made for), the sense of peace and belonging deeply fulfils us.  It is a witness to the world that leads others to encounter the same hope, love and joy.

This is incredibly freeing as a Christian therapist because then my job isn’t to obsess (in the same way as my clients) over whether the problem is fixed or not, or to feel shame for not being ‘enough’ in my work as a therapist, but also to accept God’s grace for me and simply walk alongside others as they encounter Jesus on the way.

“I sometimes wonder whether we provide enough spaces in which to allow people to take this journey…”

I sometimes wonder whether we provide enough spaces in which to allow people to take this journey: to wrestle with their problems and suffer in an honest and raw way that doesn’t just address the problem but helps them encounter God’s profound love along the way? In an instant-fix society, do we wrestle long enough with our issues to do the growth? Do we simply give up quickly in the face of an intimidating goal? Or reach for a quick fix because it seems too big and we are only judging our progress by the level to which we have reached our goal or not?

Conclusion

It is clear to see that pulling away from habitual porn use is a significant challenge many Christians experience.

Many traditional porn programs inadvertently reinforce feelings of shame and powerlessness, which keep them trapped in a cycle of use and feeling helpless to do anything about it. However, the gospel message of grace (and a move away from achieving perfect sexual purity) is the antidote, offering a more empowering pathway to change. It redefines a person’s identity beyond what they do (or don’t do) – to who they are: a child of God.

This is ultimately more mobilising than sitting under the crippling burden of trying to meet God’s high standards and the shame of never quite meeting them.

From this framework arises a new identity that is invested away from a continuous dwelling on their sin, with a new vision for the holiness and good works for which they were made. The journey becomes not a linear one, but one with setbacks, progress and continuous learning – and that is OK – because none of that impacts on what is most important: their relationship with God, which is secured in Christ.

The work then is to live into their new identity as a child of God, as they lean into Him and love others. That is what ultimately makes for a fulfilling, empowering and inspiring life, and if I get to walk with them on this journey, I’m very blessed indeed.

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