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Luke’s Journal July 2026  |  Vol.31  No.2  |  Sexuality

The doors loomed, heavy red. For half an hour, my body had been protesting my nearing those doors. My friend waited in the car a short distance away – as my support… and my escape route.

It was seeking God’s presence – to abide with Him – that led me to this point. I knew that God was with me as I entered through those looming red doors…

My Story

I was caught between the created and the broken. The drive that God’s love had imparted into my flesh and the wrestling struggle to coordinate its release. The gnawing pain of dwelling in between. Driven, but never satisfied. Desperate to dull the drivenness, but the image of God runs deeper than any striving or self-talk.

Enjoying sexual pleasure transports me into contemplative spaces. Prayerful spaces. Worshipful spaces. It often leaves me overwhelmed by God’s love for me and for all of humanity: that He would deliberately wire me, and all of humanity, with the capacity to feel incredible pleasure – a profound portrayal of God’s love and goodness.

One of my deepest sorrows and frustrations was how difficult it was to coordinate my body in order to enjoy my sexuality. Due to my disability, getting myself to where I wanted to go could take anywhere from thirty to ninety minutes. I was grieved… angry. I was caught between my sex drive and knowing that attending to it could require effort beyond reason and increase my sadness and frustration. Caught between knowing there was more to experience in my relationship with God and starting a struggle that could wrestle into the early hours of the morning.

“I was caught between my sex drive and knowing that attending to it could require effort beyond reason and increase my sadness and frustration.”

Many devices were tried; none were successful. I mustered vast courage to ask doctors or physios if they had any ideas, only to find their empathy… but no solutions.

Talking about this to people I trusted was like pulling my own teeth. It took a few attempts before I could even indirectly refer to it with my two close friends. They were kind and patient with me. Their confidence and calmness in talking about the subject enabled me to open up over time.

I discovered that I was ashamed that I couldn’t meet my own sexual needs. I felt inadequate as a woman… that I had failed God. After uncovering that thinking, I grew more comfortable talking about my struggles with sexuality. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter… that it was only a minute of feeling physically good. However, trying to talk myself out of my pain and frustration only increased my depressive symptoms.

“…trying to talk myself out of my pain and frustration only increased my depressive symptoms.”

As I talked to my counsellor, I came to realise that my disability and my sexuality are two different things. My disability and my struggles to achieve sexual release do not subtract from my sexuality and womanhood. I am fully woman and fully sexual. I had attributed all my difficulties to my disability, but I learned that, unlike the sexual activity portrayed in movies, it requires learning and experimentation for everyone.

I connected with an organisation that provided support and education for people with disabilities regarding sexuality. Yet a solution remained elusive. I pushed through incredible discomfort to meet with a staff member from the organisation. Prior to meeting her, it helped me to realise that (just as in counselling) the client is in control. I could request to pause or stop the conversation as needed.

Before the meeting, I confided in a friend from church. She prayed with me that Jesus would heal me in my sexuality and that I would be complete. It was such a beautiful prayer.

Taking An Unconventional Path

After the meeting, I decided that if I couldn’t find a way to enjoy my body on my own, I would try seeing a female sex worker. I’m attracted to men. My friend’s beautiful prayer granted me a broader vision. My anger and frustration reduced with hope – hope that one way or another, I’d have some access to that elusive connection with God that sexual fulfilment could bring.

I asked my counsellor if there were risks in seeing a sex worker. She said that there are always risks, but I was mitigating them by seeing a female. She said I have a strong compass pointing north to God. That I would know if I started heading away from God, and if I did, I could change directions.

I was surprised at the simplicity of her understanding. That this wasn’t a point of no return. That if I crossed this line and it wasn’t good for me and my relationship with God, I could just step back over it. I was surprised at her confidence that I would align my heart with God and be able to make decisions accordingly.

My friend suggested a place that was clean and inclusive for people with disabilities. I reached out and the manager suggested that I see Leeha*, a woman who had extensive experience with people with disabilities. A month passed before I called, spoke to Leeha, and booked with her for 5 pm that day.

“I put the phone down and… completely freaked out! My friend asked if I was okay. ‘No’, she answered her own question.”

I put the phone down and… completely freaked out! My friend asked if I was okay. “No”, she answered her own question. I asked if she would come with me for the drive and wait in the car. A big ask, but she was willing to be my support and my means of escape!

The doors loomed, heavy red. My heart pulsed anxiety through my body as it begged me to turn, to retreat. But my pursuit of God had led me to those doors. As I entered, so did He.

In the waiting room, I didn’t know where to look. Eventually, a lady with long blond hair in a long black dress came and sat next to me on the couch. She extended her hand, “I’m Leeha.” I shook her hand, grateful for her professionalism. She confirmed: “No touching, no kissing, you just want me to give you an orgasm”. I was relieved… slightly.

I followed her into a luxurious, red and black room. She gave me a few minutes. She re-entered the room and asked me if I was comfortable. I thought… “I’m lying here on this bed, covered by a towel, and you’re about to… and you’re asking me if I’m comfortable?!” She said it was very important that I was comfortable, and to tell her if she did anything that made me uncomfortable. She made it as comfortable as it could be.

It was incredibly uncomfortable. Emotionally and physically.

The following day I was overwhelmed and troubled. My friends gave me the space to talk. They spoke truth, drawing me back into peace.

The next day as I sat in solitude, I had a rich sense of God’s love for me. I had known God’s compassion, forgiveness, mercy and patience before. That afternoon I sensed God’s love for me because I am His creation, of Himself and His goodness.

“I saw my counsellor to check that my heart, mind and body were aligned with God.”

I saw my counsellor to check that my heart, mind and body were aligned with God. We discussed that Leeha affirmed my body. Up until then, I had felt shame over my slowness, my tendency to drop things or run into things with my walking frame.

The memories of Leeha’s intimate care often brought tears to my eyes. I was concerned about how deeply it moved me. My counsellor said it moved me as deeply as it needed to. The memories brought pleasure to my body. I experimented with the use of memory. If climaxing is difficult, the use of memory and imagination can be helpful. I loved how Leeha treated me like my body was good. So good that it required very little to draw out that goodness. I later realised that by using my mind, I was also treating my body like it was good, and I was experiencing it to be true.

I assumed Leeha would know what was best for me. It took a few months to discover that what I liked was totally different to what she thought I’d like.

I found it difficult to be without easy access to sexual satisfaction at home. I longed to be with Leeha. The first time I completely relaxed with Leeha, I allowed her to massage more of my body. After that I was satisfied. I didn’t know satisfaction was possible… that the sex drive wasn’t insatiable. This revealed to me more of God’s gift and character. I praised Him for it.

Every time I went to the brothel, it required vast courage. I hated requiring taxis to drop me off and pick me up from there – intrusions into my privacy. Sometimes after my session with Leeha, I decided that I wouldn’t go there again. It was too hard. It took so much courage. It wasn’t worth it. But afterwards I would notice that I had connected with God in some unnameable way. Sometimes I felt wrapped up in God’s love for days after seeing Leeha. It was encountering God’s presence that continued to draw my return.

I felt like I was travelling between two worlds, the church and the brothel. Both consider themselves apart from the other, even to the point of animosity. But there was kindness and compassion in both. Respect and boundaries in both. Beauty in both. Mercy… in both. I continued encountering God in a place I had been led to believe was void of him.

After one session, Leeha re-entered the room, lay on the bed, and just started chatting away while I was getting dressed. I was taken aback. Couldn’t she have given me five minutes to get dressed or, at the very least, averted her gaze? After that day, I had more energy. I pondered this and realised that through this particular encounter with Leeha, my perception of myself had changed. Previously, I had perceived my body to be a shell in which I lived. I now perceived myself to be integrated: body, mind and spirit.

“Previously, I had perceived my body to be a shell in which I lived. I now perceived myself to be integrated: body, mind and spirit.”

I felt overwhelmed by memories of my time with Leeha. I enjoyed them and simultaneously felt smothered by them. I was constantly scanning for potential negative consequences of my relationship with Leeha. I was afraid of loving her too much… of forgetting myself or God.

My counsellor reassured me that love was a natural part of any therapeutic relationship. That during sexual activity people lose themselves in themselves, or in their partner. She said that if I let go, I’d only lose myself in myself and find myself again; perhaps even in a new way. This assurance freed me to acknowledge that I love Leeha. She has a special spot in my heart.

My counsellor said that she’d only be concerned if I didn’t want Leeha to touch anyone else, or if I didn’t feel the need for other people. Both scenarios would indicate that I desired an exclusive relationship with Leeha. I knew that neither of those scenarios was going to happen. I would refer other people who are experiencing sexual difficulties to Leeha.

Trusting God Through Uncertainty

Over the years, the hands of physios, chiropractors etc. have corrected my body. Leeha celebrated my body.

I had always been aware of God being with me. I started being aware of God being in me. All my life I had fought against my body and dragged it along to do what I wanted to do. I began to understand my body as the source that allows me to do what I want to do. My approach to my day-to-day life transitioned from a fighting spirit to a receptive spirit. My counsellor commented that that may have contributed to a recent increase in energy.

“I realised that the image of God, and who God created me to be, far outweighed my disability.”

I realised that the image of God, and who God created me to be, far outweighed my disability. My body is only fractionally broken. It overflows with the image of God. When I knew I needed extra physical strength, instead of throwing myself on God’s mercy, pleading for His help, I acknowledged, received and thanked God that He and His strength were already in me.

I continually scanned for dangers. I had lunch with my friend who prayed that beautiful prayer with me months earlier. I hadn’t caught up with her for a while. I told her of the healing I’d experienced through seeing Leeha. As I told her, I continued to fear that I had misunderstood God and His will regarding seeing Leeha. After lunch, I thought, “If I’m scanning for dangers while telling my friend all that I have known of God and health through seeing Leeha, then my scanning is never going to end.” So, I said to myself, “Enough!”

Biblical Reflections

I told a long-term friend about my struggles with sexuality, my decision to see Leeha and coming to peace about it. She said that I was a fallen creature, so I couldn’t trust myself; that my counsellor too was fallen, so I couldn’t trust her. In saying that I couldn’t think for myself, I was completely disempowered.

We find in scriptures promises that the Holy Spirit will guide us into all truth (John 16:13). That as sheep we know the voice of Jesus, our good shepherd (John 10:3, 4). That if we resist being conformed to this world, and allow ourselves to be transformed by the renewal of our minds, we can test and discern God’s good, acceptable and perfect will (Romans 12:2)

My favourite biblical concept is shalom. Translated as peace, shalom is a rich, full concept. It describes how God created the world… how He intended it to be. It is our origin, and our destination. God created the world in such a way that every entity was flourishing. The flourishing of every entity contributed to the flourishing of every other entity. Thus, the flourishing of every entity of creation is interdependent on the flourishing of every other entity. Shalom entails the flourishing of all relationships; all relationships between every entity, and every entity with God.

My story is an illustration of shalom. I’m an interconnected being. As my sexual wellbeing improved, so too did my physical and mental well-being. My energy and concentration improved markedly as I received assistance with sexuality. To deny an aspect of our wellbeing is to compromise every aspect of our wellbeing; and how God created us to be.

My favourite passage in the Bible is John 15:1-11 where Jesus describes Himself as the vine and His followers as the branches. He invites us to abide in Him. Be still with Him, rest in Him, spend time with Him, seek fellowship and intimacy with Him. Jesus says that as we do that, we will bear much fruit.

Sexual pleasure, for me, is a means for me to experience connection with my Creator. Nurturing and deepening my relationship with God is the most important thing. It is out of that which everything else flows.

I came across Mark 3:1-5. It became an anchor for me amidst other people’s opinions:

Again, he [Jesus] entered the synagogue, and a man was there with a withered hand. And they watched Jesus, to see whether he would heal him on the Sabbath, so that they might accuse him. And he said to the man with the withered hand, “Come here.” And he said to them, “Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do harm, to save life or to kill?” But they were silent. And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was restored.’ (ESV)

When a conflict arose between people’s wellbeing and the law, Jesus always chose the former. He was angry and grieved when people imposed dos and don’ts at the expense of other’s well-being. Sometime after I found my anchor in Mark 3:1-5, I read through John’s Gospel and realised there were many similar stories: people trying to impose law over other people’s wellbeing, and Jesus always choosing wellbeing.

Sex is sacred. I have weighed these issues carefully. With vigilance, I have ensured that my heart has remained aligned with God. I have sought guidance from someone who is of sound faith and wisdom. I would advise those who are considering sexual assistance to weigh these things carefully. Navigating and processing the journey may require the assistance of wise, trustworthy people.

The NDIS does not currently fund sex workers, arguing that it doesn’t fall under the category of ‘necessary and reasonable’. Our sexuality is deeply part of our createdness; the flow of God’s love and life in us. We are created as interconnected beings. Shalom is our origin and our destiny. Receiving assistance with my sexuality greatly improved my physical and mental health. My story is a testimony of shalom. It is a testimony of the necessity and reasonableness of sexual fulfilment.

A Final Note

This is not the end of my story.

Some occupational therapists specialise in sexuality and disability. I’ve been working with an Occupational Therapist from Thrive Rehab towards being able to attend to my sexuality independently. She has provided a safe environment to ask questions and problem-solve.

Thrive Rehab (https://www.thriverehab.com.au/) support clients with any disability and affirms all genders and orientations. They take a holistic, trauma-informed approach, supporting clients in areas including body autonomy, anatomy, sexual safety, exploring intimacy and pleasure, sexualised behaviours, online safety and sexual orientation.

Thrive is Melbourne-based. However, for interstate clients, they offer telehealth and could help identify appropriate local support.

*not her real name.

Reflection questions:

• How did you respond to Rachel’s story? What challenged you?
• How do we balance human and sexual wellbeing with moral concern and ethics when they conflict?
• As doctors and health professionals, how does Rachel’s story challenge our understanding of how we can help someone feel like a whole person rather than merely the problem they present with?
• How does your own experience of your body feed into your relationship with God?

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